Massergy

Men are now dumb-asses

2006-07-21T20:25:00.000-05:00

Or so we are led to believe...

If television, movies and advertising are any indication, the stereotypical American man has gone from wise old sage, cool in any situation and always quick to give well-seasoned advice~~~to a blithering, overweight, over-stressed, immature, idiotic fool obsessed with sex, beer, sports, cars and asian-made gadgets...serving not as a role model and teacher, but as comic relief and the constant target of ridicule.

In the movies...who's the member of the family that gets bit in the groin by the neighbor's dog? Dad...who's the one that's drooling like a dipshit at hot young members of the opposite sex during a family trip to the beach? Dad...who's the one wearing the plaid shorts? Dad...who's the one that gets fired? Dad...who's the one that can't string two sensible words together during a talk about sex with the kids? Dad...who fucking shrunk the kids? you guessed it.

On TV...who's the one that falls off the roof while fixing the satelite dish? Dad...who's the one in the family that is 50 pounds overweight? Dad...who's the one that can't seem to figure things out at a crime scene until the woman arrives? The Man...who's the one that can't resolve a problem without resorting to violence? The Man...who's the Man? that's right~~The Man, that's who.

In commercials...who's the fuckwad that needs his teenage daughter's help using a cell phone? Dad...who's the one that acts like a hyper 6 year old when the family gets a new big screen TV? Dad...who's the one that can't seem to get the bills paid? The Man...who's the one that will act like a total fuckwad in order to score a beer? The Man...who's the one that can't make a decision without his wife's approval? The Man...who's the one jumping into a pool like a special-ed PE student to demonstate how his new hair wont come off? The Man...

How did we get here? Has political correctness completely taken all other groups off the chopping block, leaving balding, fat, slow-witted white men as the only fair game? Has the influx of women into the advertising world affected the way we now see men? Are they still upset over all those kitchen appliance and house cleaning commercials of the 50's and 60's? Do they really see men that way? As cartoon characters? And why are men OK with this treatment?

Hypersensitivity is probably the main culprit here. Deep down, I know we want to make fun of the way Chinese people talk, the way gay guys dress, the way mexicans wear jeans and long-sleeve dress shirts to work in 110 degree weather, the way black chicks won't let their man touch their hair, the way dudes from Pakistan smell, the way rednecks eat stuff off right off the road and so on...but we can't. No way in hell. There is no fucking way anyone would dream of it. Even considering how humorous and overly-clever they are trying to make commercials these days...it aint gonna happen. White, normal men are the last frontier.

Not that I don't like beer, sports and boobs...I never said that.

Slayer is an odd choice

2006-07-12T22:23:00.000-05:00

Why do skinheads, young klansmen and white-power youth love Slayer? Don't they know that lead singer Tom Araya was born in Chile?

Not that these members of the master race even know where Chile is, but haven't they at least noticed that the lead singer of their favorite band is dark skinned with a latin surname?

Don't they also realize that Slayer has released albums with Def-Jam records and that Rick Rubin (a rap producer) has helped the band hone it's trademark sound?

But why spoil the fun? I'm OK with the hypocrisy if they are.

Austin is not weird

2006-07-12T18:36:00.000-05:00

"Keep Austin Weird"

What probably started out as an afterthought has become the unofficial slogan of Austin, Texas and is begninning to rival "Don't Mess with Texas" for marketing-hype supremacy. The slogan appears on everything from the obligatory bumper-sticker to the tie-dyed t-shirts at the Austin airport giftshop...as if people from out of town suddenly had a stake in preserving Austin's image.

The city of Austin and it's residents are no strangers to the marketing power of a "self-proclaimed moniker". After all, Austin has been billing itself (wrongly) as the "Live Music Capital of the World" for decades. (The many problems with that dubious claim will be addressed in an upcoming post for sure.) Austinites are extremely proud of their city (even though I've met very few actual natives) and desperately crave the attention larger, more glamourous cities receive.

This latest slogan works almost like a giant "middle finger" to the larger, hipper cities. Austin wants to be noticed, wants to be mentioned in the same breath as San Francisco, Seattle, Boston or Chicago, yet at the same time wishes to "one-up" these other cities by raising it's own reputation as a modern, educated and progressive place that still retains a sense of "funky charm" and "bohemian grace". This is quite a task considering geography's cruelty puts Austin right smack in the middle of red state, republican, redneck Texas.

And it's that very fact which creates much of the illusion of "weirdness". Remember, so many of Austin's residents are leftovers from the University of Texas~~a place that turns small town Texas hicks into hip urban warriors. Still other small town residents have come to Austin based on it's reputation for tolerance and liberal-thinking...but compared to the rest of Texas, a place like Des Moines, Iowa would fit that same description. Austin also happens to be a beautiful, lush and green city...but again, these things are all to be taken in context~~the rest of Texas is mostly a heap of dust and scrub-brush~~~of rock and low-lying swampland. Coming from those small towns, and having never actually travelled outside the state (like so many small town hicks), Austin must surely look like Eden.

The "weirdness" comes from the same place. There are gay-bars in big cities all over the country. But the presence of several gay bars in Austin suddenly make Austin "weird". I can see how someone from Roadkill, Texas would think that.

There are quaint little coffee bars with live acoustic music in every major American city. But the presence of a few "trippy" little coffee shops that employ people with fashionable glasses suddenly makes Austin "weird". I can see how someone from Belt Buckle, Texas would think that.

There are any number of street markets and cute festivals all over the country, even in small towns. But the presence of people selling third-rate abstract art on the street and a yearly "Spam Fest" suddenly makes Austin "weird". I can see how someone from Horseshit, Texas would think that.

The reality is that Austin is a mid-major city with horrible traffic, laughible city politics, strip malls as far as the eye can see, out-of -control suburban sprawl, overpriced central city real estate and a neglected/underdeveloped East Side ridden with crime and gang activity...just your basic city on the move.

It's not that Austin doesn't have it's quaint charms...I wouldn't live here if it didn't. But Austin doesn't have anything in the "funky" department that San Francisco, Seattle, Boston or Chicago can't give you ten times over. Austin has one street called "So-Co" in which all of it's "Weird" charms are focused. The other cities not only have streets, but entire neighborhoods devoted to that kind of unique flare....once more, these cities don't even market themselves as being "weird" because they don't have to. They are confident, mature cities that offer several flavors to several different tastes.

In fact Austin is nothing if not predictable. Keeping it weird is really nothing more than a rally against big box retailers and your general, run-of-the-mill corporate bad-guys who like to pollute the water and kill off the indigenous salamander. Show me one mid-level city populace that doesn't share that very sentiment....it's just that in Austin, our fears of growth make for healthy t-shirt profits.

Has the blogbus left yet?

2006-07-07T19:40:00.000-05:00

What a stupid, egotistical and selfish thing I've gone and done...starting a blog. As if I didn't already have an ego problem, now I feel the need to share my ranting with the rest of the world...as if anyone even cares.

And is this bus still picking up riders? Hasn't everything that's worth saying, worth ranting about been said? A web full of bloggers up to this point have been unsuccessful ridding the world of bad drivers, hyper kids and tasteless advertising. Now I come along thinking my words can make a dent in all of that? At best, I'm chasing the blogbus and choking on the exhaust fumes.

So what is the point to all of this? As I said before, years of good blogging have not fixed any of America's ills. I'm confident I'll still have plenty to complain about...and that's where the Massergy blog comes in.

I'm talking rants...but not your typical unfocused, foaming-at-the-mouth, tail-chasing, mid-life-crisis-suffering, over-caffenated, iron-deficient, eye-bulging, perpetually-single-living, head-banging, fist-pumping, boot-stomping, multiple-heart-attack-suffering, saliva-spitting, vein-throbbing, pill-popping, kid-spanking, cat-kicking, maniac-driving, showing-scalp-buzzcut-wearing, can't-stop-interrupting, broken-golf-club-wielding, window-smashing, book-burning rant...no sir.

I prefer a more dignified, rational and sensible approach to my rants, which will be limited to calcualted yet ruthless attacks on everyday life and people.

Massergy blog will not discuss politics...too many blogs do this and do it well. Go visit them instead. Politics are interesting to me, but they tend to bring out the uninformed idiot in people. The red-state/blue-state thing is about as old and tired as an Abbot and Costello routine.

Massergy blog will try not to swear. Sometimes, however, it will be fucking necessary.

Massergy blog will not bore you with stuff that happens in my day to day life...look, I'm not that fucking self-absorbed. No stories about my trip to the grocery store, no musings about what I want for Christmas, none of my "homespun" poetry about trees and clouds, no tales involving my "wacky" in-laws.

Massergy blog will offend some of you...maybe even disgust a few of you...and that's just with my grammar and spelling. Good thing you people can't see me, because I also have horrible posture.

Massergy blog will not post pictures of my pets, or anyone else's pets...this also goes for babies, cars or new hairdos...no one cares about that stuff.